Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Future Headlines: "Gas Leak in the Supreme Court"

Trump is delivering the news of the tragedy in the most solemn voice he can manage, but the barely disguised smile threatens to collapse into full, joyous laughter.

Trump: "It pains me more than you will ever know to announce the grievous loss of several members of the United States Supreme Court today. Justices Ruth Ginsburg, Stephen Breyer, John Roberts and Samuel Alito were gathered together in a room in their place of work and enjoying an "MLK cake" (an absolutely wonderful cake in the shape of Martin Luther King's head which I had personally sent to them) when an insidious gas leak took their lives. They will be greatly missed. R.I.P. and my condolences to all family members. Announcement of their replacements will be made at 8 p.m. tomorrow. All candidates are already in Washington and prepared to take up their posts following swift confirmation. Thank you, God Bless, and may I say the First Amendment is highly overrated. HIGHLY overrated. Along with many other Amendments. But more about that tomorrow."

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